Porn problem?
When you're not on it, you're thinking about it. You're just going through the motions at home and at work.
You love the secret rush. The escape. The relief. But afterwards you hate yourself.
The only thing that numbs the dread of your lies being found out is more. Leaving you feeling empty and alone.
Confidential help
Just been found out, or here for someone else? Start here
You've just lost yourself in internet porn for four hours. Again. You told your partner you'd come to bed soon.
Three hours till you have to get up for work, and you're lying there thinking, "What's wrong with me? This is killing me."
Yesterday, your partner asked what's wrong, and the lie about it just being work stress rolled off your tongue. It was another brick in the wall of your lonely double life.
So you try harder at work and at home. The pressure's so great that you're short tempered with everyone. You look for relief with more of the same, and it just makes you feel worse.
Imagine sleeping well again. Not having to cover your tracks. Looking your loved ones in the eye and fully being with them.
You don't have to do this alone.
You're not the only one who asks for help at this point, and with support, you can get through this.
It's devastating, but possibly you feel a strange relief that your double life is over.
Right now you're probably being asked questions you don't have good answers to, and promising things you're not sure you can deliver. That's normal, and promises aren't what rebuild trust. Changed behaviour, over time, is.
Getting support quickly is the clearest, most decisive signal you can give your partner that you're ready to change.
You might feel like the rug's been ripped out from under your life together. Intense shock, anger and grief about the betrayal and the deception might be making you feel sick to your stomach.
You deserve support of your own, separate from your partner's. If you'd like to talk about what's available for you, or for both of you, you're welcome to get in touch.
As with any addiction, denial will stop you from getting help and getting well. Honestly answer the questions below to get some clarity.
Your score
The higher your score, the more strongly I suggest you reach out for support.
Additionally, how does your partner feel about it? If they don't know, how do you think they would feel about it? Do you secretly use sexual massage, sex workers, chat rooms, or have affairs?
No score is too low to talk about, or too high to face.
You've looked in the mirror of the above questions. Maybe your score's higher than you'd like. Maybe internet porn (or other hidden sexual activities) are adversely affecting your marriage or relationship (they usually do, even if your partner doesn't consciously know).
Possibly the last thing you want to do is talk to someone about it. You're not the only one there. But every kind of addiction thrives in isolation. In order to change, you might have to let go of the mistaken-but-deeply-ingrained belief that you just need to get better on your own by having more self-discipline and determination. Perhaps like most people entering addiction recovery, adverse experiences in your formative years made you fiercely self-sufficient, following the unspoken rules of dysfunctional families: Don't talk, don't trust, don't feel.
"We're only as sick as our secrets."
As they say in 12-Step recovery groups. But be discerning about whom you talk to. Sometimes your partner is not the first person that needs to hear about your pornography problem. Disclosure to a partner is a delicate process usually best done with the help of therapists and/or experienced-in-recovery support people. If you're single, someone you're sexually/romantically attracted to is generally not the right person to open up to.
Addiction in general is isolating and self-centred. Internet porn and/or adult industry addiction is particularly isolating because of its private nature. The antidote to isolation and self-centredness is community. A good addiction recovery community (online or in person) is a chance to hear others' struggles and victories, and to realise: I'm not alone, I'm not a freak, I can be accountable to my peers here without fear of judgement.
I don't recommend one support group over the other. I'd work with you, at your pace, to try a group that might work for you.
People often believe that the online and in-person sex industry is the problem. But I believe that if you can't stop using it, it's the solution: a painkiller from your inner pharmacy.
This shows up when you feel there must be something wrong with you because you turn to it so often. In my experience, you can stop and stay stopped when you address the shame and loneliness that feed sex and porn addiction.
You're not bad, broken, lacking will power, or morally weak. By understanding this, you can shift from self-condemnation to self-compassion, and start getting your life back.
Who you'd be working with
I was hopelessly addicted to internet pornography. Four years free of it, and I no longer cringe at my past. Instead, I believe it uniquely qualifies me to help others with similar issues.
In my practice and in recovery communities, I've lost count of the people I've met who broke free of pornography (and sex addiction) using the progression outlined above. It takes time, but it works.
It's one thing to be lifted from the quicksand, and next-level fulfilment to see others start the journey and be lifted out too. There are few things in my life as rewarding, and I'd be honoured to help you.
Andy Travis · Meeting Point Counselling
Yes. What you tell me stays between us, within the usual legal limits that apply to any counsellor, which I'll explain in our first session. The enquiry form comes only to my inbox.
Not unless and until you want to. This is first about support to break the addictive cycle. You get to go at your own pace. Unpacking the past can be an option once your foundation is solid.
No. I'm active in peer-support communities myself and I've seen how much they help, but there's no pressure on you to do anything. If and when you're curious, I'd work with you to find a group or platform that you could try out.
I've worked with men who didn't get help till their marriage was in tatters and they'd been kicked out of the family home. Get help sooner rather than later, because addiction is progressive. You don't need to lose everything before you book a conversation with me.
It comes straight to me. You'll get a personal reply, usually within two working days.
The first 15 minute conversation is free, and there's no obligation after it. A one-hour session is $144. I don't offer Medicare or private health insurance rebates.
If you or someone you love has a porn and/or sex addiction, please feel free to contact me. Getting your life back can start with a free, confidential 15-minute phone conversation.
Or email meetyourpoint@gmail.com
Andy Travis · Meeting Point Counselling
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